How to ace an interview
Going for an interview is a lot like going on a date. You have to get dressed up. You have to leave the house. It’s a lot like going on a date.
The main difference is that your interviewer probably isn’t your type, and you aren’t going to have sex afterwards. Unless it was a really good interview. In which case don’t blow all your bedroom cards immediately, your job depends on keeping your employer tantalised.
Illustrate your qualities in a narrative
It’s not enough to simply list your virtues, or brag about your legendary status at the pub. Interviewers want an example or parable to ratify your claims. It doesn’t matter that you haven’t actually saved a baby from a canal, or rallied the rest of the jurors at a murder trial to your perspective. Just remember that everyone else is going to lie, so lie more.
Mirror their behaviour
We respond best to people who behave similarly to us, so imitate your interviewer’s characteristics and manner. Unless they are consumed with self loathing, then all those familiar head tilts and jazz hands will quickly cement an intimate bond.
Don’t be surprised if by the end of the interview they shirk the handshake for a bear hug, holding you close as they whisper, “I feel like I’ve known you all my life.”
Being too obvious will only creep them out. If they break wind, then a sympathy fart from you is not going to put them at ease, it’s just going to make for a smelly room.
Don’t be put off by small details such as age and gender, a little bit of flirting never hurt anyone. Whether it’s just admiring the man’s toupee, or shaking hands longer than is comfortable, being open about your desire is a sure fire way of flattering the interviewer and leaving a lasting impression.
If you’re really good, then you’ll leave them in a turmoil of sexual self doubt, and so their only option will be to employ you and uncertainly reciprocate your advances.