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The primary goal in speed dating is to sidestep any meaningful interaction with another human being in favour of mutually fulfilling your body’s basest and most primal desires. E.g. Sex or Cheesestring.

With that in mind, you need to focus on how best to display your wares, or legs. It’s a bit like owning a fruit stall where all the bruises and worm-ridden holes are facing the other way, so all they can see is your delicious Cox or Pink Lady.

Here follows some practical advice:

Aftershave

The perfume section of a store is a lot like a public library. A library where they only let you take one page at a time as they look on disapprovingly. Either way, you can’t be legally denied provided you don’t go in more than once a day, so drop by before your date and sample a fragrance. I suggest erring on the side of too much cologne; ladies will be impressed that you’re willing to waste liquid that costs more than printer ink. However, if this sets off an asthma attack, she might not be the lady for you.

Shirt

Because you won’t be spending enough time with your lady for them to realise you haven’t kissed a woman since your family reunion, don’t splash out on a designer shirt that you’ll only wear twice a year, it only needs to look expensive. Buy a standard shirt and attach your own label. Almost any Italian word will do the trick, but avoid familiar phrases like ‘Bolognese.’

Chewing gum

It’s hard to explain, but ladies like men who chew gum. There’s something about a glistening piece of rubber being swivelled round an oral cavity that they just can’t get enough of. They find it hypnotising, like watching a tumble dryer, or the spokes of a disabled man’s wheelchair. In terms of flavour, I’d advise mint. I’ve found that when I lean in whilst chewing mint gum, the turn away rate is a mere 15%, against strawberry’s 23% and papaya’s massive 87%. I suspect that last 13% are just very polite.

Now these are only the preparatory stages, it becomes more complicated once you start speaking to ladies. I can only show you the door, you must walk through it.

N.B. You should definitely hold a door open for a lady, I forgot to mention that.

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Texting ladies is not the same as texting other genders. Between men anything goes; there’s no need for politeness or messages that contain anything more than vital information. But when you text a lady, there are procedures to follow. You must consider everything from the time of day, to wind-speeds and her ovarian calendar.

The first rule is that you always end with a kiss, whatever the occasion, where you would finish with a full stop, you instead leave an ‘x’. Think of it as a necessary component in an html code, which, if absent, disrupts the positive relationship established between you.

It’s something she’ll notice, and if she doesn’t come right out and say it, then her kisses will become tellingly absent. This is a test.

It’s recommended that you don’t break this code in the first place, but if you do, then the only prescription is to double your kisses in the next six messages and include at least one smiley per text. This should hopefully quell any insecurities your lady may be feeling as a result of your negligence.

As your relationship develops, then the number of kisses will too. This will provide an apt measurement for how she feels about you.

x Standard amount of kisses between opposing genders. You are on good terms.

xx They could honestly say they like you. They sometimes mention you to their friends.

xxx They are prepared to kiss you in real life, things are heating up.

xxxx Contact them for sex immediately.

This seems like a simple rule to follow, but it does not continue indefinitely. After four kisses, the value of each kiss drops off substantially, and you may see a leap from four kisses to a whole line of them. People who do this have lost all worth of the kisses and are mental. End all communications.

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In your friendship with women, there will come a time when they will let you touch them. They are very specific about where, and for how long, but this is contact all the same. Ladies call this Hugging. It is not the petting zoo you might have imagined, but like a zoo, there are strict rules to follow, and cries of sexual harassment if you don’t.

Many people hug, so it’s important to remember that it’s a convention, not a privilege. Accordingly, you shouldn’t view it as a chance to ‘cop a feel’, but instead, behave responsibly, and return the hug without implications.

The First Hug

The first hug is the most exciting and dangerous. It will tell you a lot about the lady, and how they feel about you. It will become a template from which all future hugs will spring. Get it right first time, and you’ll soon be hugging with no clothes on for minutes at a time.

A key rule is to let the lady dictate the pressure; but this is difficult to gauge, as the first hug will only last a moment, so it’s best to play it safe.

The first few hugs will be more a meeting of the shoulders as you lean towards each other instead of any torso-to-torso intimacy. Let your arms rest on them, whilst applying only minimal pressure. I call this The Drape. It is relaxed and non-threatening. Remove your arms as soon as she begins moving away. Keep it simple, and without any excessive flourishes.

Words to describe actions you should avoid:

1. Stroking
2. Caressing
3. Lingering
4. Grinding
5. Tonguing

If you’re worried about your technique, practise on a large cushion. If you can hold the cushion without changing its shape, then you’ve got it right.

Key to knowing if you’re pressing too hard:

1. You feel her breasts flatten against you.
2. She screams.

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