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Texting ladies is not the same as texting other genders. Between men anything goes; there’s no need for politeness or messages that contain anything more than vital information. But when you text a lady, there are procedures to follow. You must consider everything from the time of day, to wind-speeds and her ovarian calendar.

The first rule is that you always end with a kiss, whatever the occasion, where you would finish with a full stop, you instead leave an ‘x’. Think of it as a necessary component in an html code, which, if absent, disrupts the positive relationship established between you.

It’s something she’ll notice, and if she doesn’t come right out and say it, then her kisses will become tellingly absent. This is a test.

It’s recommended that you don’t break this code in the first place, but if you do, then the only prescription is to double your kisses in the next six messages and include at least one smiley per text. This should hopefully quell any insecurities your lady may be feeling as a result of your negligence.

As your relationship develops, then the number of kisses will too. This will provide an apt measurement for how she feels about you.

x Standard amount of kisses between opposing genders. You are on good terms.

xx They could honestly say they like you. They sometimes mention you to their friends.

xxx They are prepared to kiss you in real life, things are heating up.

xxxx Contact them for sex immediately.

This seems like a simple rule to follow, but it does not continue indefinitely. After four kisses, the value of each kiss drops off substantially, and you may see a leap from four kisses to a whole line of them. People who do this have lost all worth of the kisses and are mental. End all communications.

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She starts using your full name

This is less a sign that your relationship is in trouble, but more you are. It’s a method mastered by mothers when they catch your hand in the biscuit tin, or to fast forward twenty-five years, caught watching Babecast. I don’t think women are aware of the disturbingly regressive powers inherent in speaking your full name. It’s particularly embarrassing when the shame of prematurely ejaculating is heightened by your partner’s disapproving cry, “Howard Joseph Bingleton!”

She keeps talking about someone at work

Be concerned if when she relates work anecdotes, the same name keeps coming up. Especially if they are reamed with compliments about “Ben’s physique,” “Ben’s sense of humour,” “Oh, hasn’t Ben got nice hair?” “Why can’t you be more like Ben?” and “I’m leaving you for Ben.” I’m naturally suspicious of anyone called Ben. What a ridiculous name.

She tells you there’s a problem

I would definitely be wary of this one. Nothing says there’s trouble in your relationship than it coming straight from the horse’s mouth. (NB: It is inadvisable during this time to draw comparisons between her mouth and that of a horse.)

When this happens, you need to assess the severity of the problem, and your ability to deal with it. If the problem is, “you never buy me flowers anymore,” then waste no time in defending yourself, and explain how market shortfalls and deteriorating climate conditions have made flower arrangements prohibitively expensive. However, if her problem is that she feels sexually unsatisfied and wants to have sex with other men, then you’re going to have to find a compromise.

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