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The primary goal in speed dating is to sidestep any meaningful interaction with another human being in favour of mutually fulfilling your body’s basest and most primal desires. E.g. Sex or Cheesestring.

With that in mind, you need to focus on how best to display your wares, or legs. It’s a bit like owning a fruit stall where all the bruises and worm-ridden holes are facing the other way, so all they can see is your delicious Cox or Pink Lady.

Here follows some practical advice:

Aftershave

The perfume section of a store is a lot like a public library. A library where they only let you take one page at a time as they look on disapprovingly. Either way, you can’t be legally denied provided you don’t go in more than once a day, so drop by before your date and sample a fragrance. I suggest erring on the side of too much cologne; ladies will be impressed that you’re willing to waste liquid that costs more than printer ink. However, if this sets off an asthma attack, she might not be the lady for you.

Shirt

Because you won’t be spending enough time with your lady for them to realise you haven’t kissed a woman since your family reunion, don’t splash out on a designer shirt that you’ll only wear twice a year, it only needs to look expensive. Buy a standard shirt and attach your own label. Almost any Italian word will do the trick, but avoid familiar phrases like ‘Bolognese.’

Chewing gum

It’s hard to explain, but ladies like men who chew gum. There’s something about a glistening piece of rubber being swivelled round an oral cavity that they just can’t get enough of. They find it hypnotising, like watching a tumble dryer, or the spokes of a disabled man’s wheelchair. In terms of flavour, I’d advise mint. I’ve found that when I lean in whilst chewing mint gum, the turn away rate is a mere 15%, against strawberry’s 23% and papaya’s massive 87%. I suspect that last 13% are just very polite.

Now these are only the preparatory stages, it becomes more complicated once you start speaking to ladies. I can only show you the door, you must walk through it.

N.B. You should definitely hold a door open for a lady, I forgot to mention that.

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Social gatherings are an awkward time, especially for people with no friends. It can seem a strange and hostile environment, where weeping into the salsa is upsetting for the other guests.

When everyone is paired or grouped off, it can be intimidating to inject yourself amongst them, but this is exactly what you must do, and here’s how you must do it:

The Sidle

When people talk, they are often close to one another, shutting others out, but still maintaining their own personal space.

To break into the inner circle, slowly insinuate yourself between the Talkers, making only gradual movements, so they are unaware of your looming form. The Talkers will soon unwittingly step aside, making room for you to penetrate the group, wondering why they feel so uncomfortable.

This can be a long and painful process, sometimes taking up to half an hour. There have been occasions where the Talkers have disassembled before I was able to infiltrate their ranks, but patience remains the key. Avoid breathing on anyone’s neck, or the urge to whisper hypnotic suggestions beneath the hum of conversation; I find this only escalates their already heightened sense of unease.

Everyone’s personal space diameter is different; some are even smaller than the person themselves, so remain calm if you end up wedged between a married couple. The situation is not dissimilar from sinking in a sandpit, where wild motions lead to death/social exclusion.

Words that describe actions to avoid

1. Jostling
2. Dancing
3. Pumping
4. Naked

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In your friendship with women, there will come a time when they will let you touch them. They are very specific about where, and for how long, but this is contact all the same. Ladies call this Hugging. It is not the petting zoo you might have imagined, but like a zoo, there are strict rules to follow, and cries of sexual harassment if you don’t.

Many people hug, so it’s important to remember that it’s a convention, not a privilege. Accordingly, you shouldn’t view it as a chance to ‘cop a feel’, but instead, behave responsibly, and return the hug without implications.

The First Hug

The first hug is the most exciting and dangerous. It will tell you a lot about the lady, and how they feel about you. It will become a template from which all future hugs will spring. Get it right first time, and you’ll soon be hugging with no clothes on for minutes at a time.

A key rule is to let the lady dictate the pressure; but this is difficult to gauge, as the first hug will only last a moment, so it’s best to play it safe.

The first few hugs will be more a meeting of the shoulders as you lean towards each other instead of any torso-to-torso intimacy. Let your arms rest on them, whilst applying only minimal pressure. I call this The Drape. It is relaxed and non-threatening. Remove your arms as soon as she begins moving away. Keep it simple, and without any excessive flourishes.

Words to describe actions you should avoid:

1. Stroking
2. Caressing
3. Lingering
4. Grinding
5. Tonguing

If you’re worried about your technique, practise on a large cushion. If you can hold the cushion without changing its shape, then you’ve got it right.

Key to knowing if you’re pressing too hard:

1. You feel her breasts flatten against you.
2. She screams.

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