awkwardhoward.com

Social gatherings are an awkward time, especially for people with no friends. It can seem a strange and hostile environment, where weeping into the salsa is upsetting for the other guests.

When everyone is paired or grouped off, it can be intimidating to inject yourself amongst them, but this is exactly what you must do, and here’s how you must do it:

The Sidle

When people talk, they are often close to one another, shutting others out, but still maintaining their own personal space.

To break into the inner circle, slowly insinuate yourself between the Talkers, making only gradual movements, so they are unaware of your looming form. The Talkers will soon unwittingly step aside, making room for you to penetrate the group, wondering why they feel so uncomfortable.

This can be a long and painful process, sometimes taking up to half an hour. There have been occasions where the Talkers have disassembled before I was able to infiltrate their ranks, but patience remains the key. Avoid breathing on anyone’s neck, or the urge to whisper hypnotic suggestions beneath the hum of conversation; I find this only escalates their already heightened sense of unease.

Everyone’s personal space diameter is different; some are even smaller than the person themselves, so remain calm if you end up wedged between a married couple. The situation is not dissimilar from sinking in a sandpit, where wild motions lead to death/social exclusion.

Words that describe actions to avoid

1. Jostling
2. Dancing
3. Pumping
4. Naked

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The relationship between a man and a lady can be fundamentally broken down to giving and receiving. When we procreate, we give a lady our manjam, which she receives and harvests in the friendly alcove between her legs. This is the template from which all future alliances and children have sprung; the lady’s search for a generous giver is never over. Here are three ways to be generous which are often overlooked.

With your eyes

“Make good eye contact” is advice often expressed, but rarely realised to its full potential. I prefer: “Make relentless eye contact.” Think of your eyes as the floodlights on a watchtower, constantly seeking out the evasive escapes of a jail breaker or dinner date, whether this makes her uncomfortable is dependant entirely on the ‘intention.’ If your gaze is filled with malice or ogling lechery, this is bad eye contact. Whereas if it is a beam of admiration and cordial arousal, then she will soon appreciate just how much you have to give.

With your words

Men will often start a date by complimenting a lady, making her feel special. To maintain this glowing feeling, I cultivate a subtle barrage of adulation, punctuating everything I say with flattery. It’s really after the fifteenth compliment that your creativity comes out. E.g. “Yes, I have a cat myself. You have important hair. He’s called Mr Truffles.” Notice the seamless transition from conversation to compliment, then back to conversation.

With your food

This is perhaps the most important, as ladies need food to survive. When you’re on a dinner date, it’s likely that she will order a dish of salad or leaves that offers little to no nutritional value. To fight the lady’s hunger pains and win points, I will make clear that she can have up to 25% of anything on my plate. So few men make this deal that she will be blown away, and will feel indebted to you. This is where you want her.

Employing all this generosity over the course of an evening is one way to make her feel obligated to you, which can be redeemed for sex dollars*. However, this isn’t a guarantee, so don’t pursue too hard, because that’s just rapey.

*Metaphorical tender

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She starts using your full name

This is less a sign that your relationship is in trouble, but more you are. It’s a method mastered by mothers when they catch your hand in the biscuit tin, or to fast forward twenty-five years, caught watching Babecast. I don’t think women are aware of the disturbingly regressive powers inherent in speaking your full name. It’s particularly embarrassing when the shame of prematurely ejaculating is heightened by your partner’s disapproving cry, “Howard Joseph Bingleton!”

She keeps talking about someone at work

Be concerned if when she relates work anecdotes, the same name keeps coming up. Especially if they are reamed with compliments about “Ben’s physique,” “Ben’s sense of humour,” “Oh, hasn’t Ben got nice hair?” “Why can’t you be more like Ben?” and “I’m leaving you for Ben.” I’m naturally suspicious of anyone called Ben. What a ridiculous name.

She tells you there’s a problem

I would definitely be wary of this one. Nothing says there’s trouble in your relationship than it coming straight from the horse’s mouth. (NB: It is inadvisable during this time to draw comparisons between her mouth and that of a horse.)

When this happens, you need to assess the severity of the problem, and your ability to deal with it. If the problem is, “you never buy me flowers anymore,” then waste no time in defending yourself, and explain how market shortfalls and deteriorating climate conditions have made flower arrangements prohibitively expensive. However, if her problem is that she feels sexually unsatisfied and wants to have sex with other men, then you’re going to have to find a compromise.

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In your friendship with women, there will come a time when they will let you touch them. They are very specific about where, and for how long, but this is contact all the same. Ladies call this Hugging. It is not the petting zoo you might have imagined, but like a zoo, there are strict rules to follow, and cries of sexual harassment if you don’t.

Many people hug, so it’s important to remember that it’s a convention, not a privilege. Accordingly, you shouldn’t view it as a chance to ‘cop a feel’, but instead, behave responsibly, and return the hug without implications.

The First Hug

The first hug is the most exciting and dangerous. It will tell you a lot about the lady, and how they feel about you. It will become a template from which all future hugs will spring. Get it right first time, and you’ll soon be hugging with no clothes on for minutes at a time.

A key rule is to let the lady dictate the pressure; but this is difficult to gauge, as the first hug will only last a moment, so it’s best to play it safe.

The first few hugs will be more a meeting of the shoulders as you lean towards each other instead of any torso-to-torso intimacy. Let your arms rest on them, whilst applying only minimal pressure. I call this The Drape. It is relaxed and non-threatening. Remove your arms as soon as she begins moving away. Keep it simple, and without any excessive flourishes.

Words to describe actions you should avoid:

1. Stroking
2. Caressing
3. Lingering
4. Grinding
5. Tonguing

If you’re worried about your technique, practise on a large cushion. If you can hold the cushion without changing its shape, then you’ve got it right.

Key to knowing if you’re pressing too hard:

1. You feel her breasts flatten against you.
2. She screams.

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