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Touching someone’s genitals is never easy. Actually, it’s remarkably easy, most people really aren’t expecting it if you’re determined. And in terms of the social embarrassment one will face when this happens inadvertently, (or the level of embarrassment one must display for it to appear inadvertent) it’s all a bit unclear.

It’s not something that happens often enough for people to know how to respond, so reactions can vary from swung handbags to delighted chuckles. However, there are certain actions you can take and avoid so as not to exacerbate the situation.

Your first reaction might be to recoil as if from a hot shepherd’s pie, but fight this urge; it will only bring further attention, and they may mistake your panic at being caught for disgust at the abnormality of their funbags.

If you act naturally enough, you may well get away without incident, but more likely than not, you will make eye contact with the owner. The worst thing you can do is to say nothing. This will only mark you out as a weirdo who touches people’s genitals and then makes eye contact afterwards. Don’t let this be you.

You could act as if you didn’t realise you had just attained anatomical knowledge of their joycave, but it’s difficult to maintain this façade if they’re still sitting on your hand.

Your default reaction should be to make a small laugh and apologise, so they know just how awfully embarrassed you are, like a normal human being, and not some lumbering genital-cupping monster.

Alternatively, if you’re feeling ballsy, or have had too much to drink, why not turn the accidental boob poke into an extended handling? You run the risk of being aborted from the party – or losing your job if it’s your superior – but the payoff could be huge.

Which ever approach you decide to take, if you’ve just met the person, you should try hard to establish a relationship beyond hand-to-pudendum familiarity, or you’ll forever be labelled as “that person who touched my genitals.”

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Social gatherings are an awkward time, especially for people with no friends. It can seem a strange and hostile environment, where weeping into the salsa is upsetting for the other guests.

When everyone is paired or grouped off, it can be intimidating to inject yourself amongst them, but this is exactly what you must do, and here’s how you must do it:

The Sidle

When people talk, they are often close to one another, shutting others out, but still maintaining their own personal space.

To break into the inner circle, slowly insinuate yourself between the Talkers, making only gradual movements, so they are unaware of your looming form. The Talkers will soon unwittingly step aside, making room for you to penetrate the group, wondering why they feel so uncomfortable.

This can be a long and painful process, sometimes taking up to half an hour. There have been occasions where the Talkers have disassembled before I was able to infiltrate their ranks, but patience remains the key. Avoid breathing on anyone’s neck, or the urge to whisper hypnotic suggestions beneath the hum of conversation; I find this only escalates their already heightened sense of unease.

Everyone’s personal space diameter is different; some are even smaller than the person themselves, so remain calm if you end up wedged between a married couple. The situation is not dissimilar from sinking in a sandpit, where wild motions lead to death/social exclusion.

Words that describe actions to avoid

1. Jostling
2. Dancing
3. Pumping
4. Naked

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