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Just as you can read a woman by the way she hugs you, you too can let her know how you feel. Here are just some of the messages that you can communicate through hugs.

You like her

There are many ways of doing this depending on your level of subtlety. If you are a rambunctious ‘gambler’ sort of character, then you can cup one of her rear-cheeks, and pinch. I call this The Clamp, but I don’t recommend it. The problem being that ever since Emily Davison died under a horse, women are upset by it.

My preferred method is to find some appropriate poetry that best describes your feelings for her, and whisper it to her as you embrace (my friend Andrew swears by Keats). Nobody has ever been prosecuted for sharing a rhyming couplet.

Telling her to back off

If one of your lady friends is coming on too strong, and you want to let her know without causing offence, then I suggest The Pat. The Pat is a very condescending hug where you lightly hit them on the back. It is avuncular in nature, and gently intimates that you could only think of them as family, as opposed to bedroom partner.

You’re not ready for commitment

Press only with your hands, and make no actual body contact, maintaining the slightest of distances between you.

Your parents wouldn’t approve

Thrust anxiously three times, then hold them at arms length.

You’re anxious about the war in Iraq

Push your crotch tentatively into her, then guide her hips with yours in a counter-clockwise motion for one single rotation. Start weeping.

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The primary goal in speed dating is to sidestep any meaningful interaction with another human being in favour of mutually fulfilling your body’s basest and most primal desires. E.g. Sex or Cheesestring.

With that in mind, you need to focus on how best to display your wares, or legs. It’s a bit like owning a fruit stall where all the bruises and worm-ridden holes are facing the other way, so all they can see is your delicious Cox or Pink Lady.

Here follows some practical advice:

Aftershave

The perfume section of a store is a lot like a public library. A library where they only let you take one page at a time as they look on disapprovingly. Either way, you can’t be legally denied provided you don’t go in more than once a day, so drop by before your date and sample a fragrance. I suggest erring on the side of too much cologne; ladies will be impressed that you’re willing to waste liquid that costs more than printer ink. However, if this sets off an asthma attack, she might not be the lady for you.

Shirt

Because you won’t be spending enough time with your lady for them to realise you haven’t kissed a woman since your family reunion, don’t splash out on a designer shirt that you’ll only wear twice a year, it only needs to look expensive. Buy a standard shirt and attach your own label. Almost any Italian word will do the trick, but avoid familiar phrases like ‘Bolognese.’

Chewing gum

It’s hard to explain, but ladies like men who chew gum. There’s something about a glistening piece of rubber being swivelled round an oral cavity that they just can’t get enough of. They find it hypnotising, like watching a tumble dryer, or the spokes of a disabled man’s wheelchair. In terms of flavour, I’d advise mint. I’ve found that when I lean in whilst chewing mint gum, the turn away rate is a mere 15%, against strawberry’s 23% and papaya’s massive 87%. I suspect that last 13% are just very polite.

Now these are only the preparatory stages, it becomes more complicated once you start speaking to ladies. I can only show you the door, you must walk through it.

N.B. You should definitely hold a door open for a lady, I forgot to mention that.

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Texting ladies is not the same as texting other genders. Between men anything goes; there’s no need for politeness or messages that contain anything more than vital information. But when you text a lady, there are procedures to follow. You must consider everything from the time of day, to wind-speeds and her ovarian calendar.

The first rule is that you always end with a kiss, whatever the occasion, where you would finish with a full stop, you instead leave an ‘x’. Think of it as a necessary component in an html code, which, if absent, disrupts the positive relationship established between you.

It’s something she’ll notice, and if she doesn’t come right out and say it, then her kisses will become tellingly absent. This is a test.

It’s recommended that you don’t break this code in the first place, but if you do, then the only prescription is to double your kisses in the next six messages and include at least one smiley per text. This should hopefully quell any insecurities your lady may be feeling as a result of your negligence.

As your relationship develops, then the number of kisses will too. This will provide an apt measurement for how she feels about you.

x Standard amount of kisses between opposing genders. You are on good terms.

xx They could honestly say they like you. They sometimes mention you to their friends.

xxx They are prepared to kiss you in real life, things are heating up.

xxxx Contact them for sex immediately.

This seems like a simple rule to follow, but it does not continue indefinitely. After four kisses, the value of each kiss drops off substantially, and you may see a leap from four kisses to a whole line of them. People who do this have lost all worth of the kisses and are mental. End all communications.

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Social gatherings are an awkward time, especially for people with no friends. It can seem a strange and hostile environment, where weeping into the salsa is upsetting for the other guests.

When everyone is paired or grouped off, it can be intimidating to inject yourself amongst them, but this is exactly what you must do, and here’s how you must do it:

The Sidle

When people talk, they are often close to one another, shutting others out, but still maintaining their own personal space.

To break into the inner circle, slowly insinuate yourself between the Talkers, making only gradual movements, so they are unaware of your looming form. The Talkers will soon unwittingly step aside, making room for you to penetrate the group, wondering why they feel so uncomfortable.

This can be a long and painful process, sometimes taking up to half an hour. There have been occasions where the Talkers have disassembled before I was able to infiltrate their ranks, but patience remains the key. Avoid breathing on anyone’s neck, or the urge to whisper hypnotic suggestions beneath the hum of conversation; I find this only escalates their already heightened sense of unease.

Everyone’s personal space diameter is different; some are even smaller than the person themselves, so remain calm if you end up wedged between a married couple. The situation is not dissimilar from sinking in a sandpit, where wild motions lead to death/social exclusion.

Words that describe actions to avoid

1. Jostling
2. Dancing
3. Pumping
4. Naked

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The relationship between a man and a lady can be fundamentally broken down to giving and receiving. When we procreate, we give a lady our manjam, which she receives and harvests in the friendly alcove between her legs. This is the template from which all future alliances and children have sprung; the lady’s search for a generous giver is never over. Here are three ways to be generous which are often overlooked.

With your eyes

“Make good eye contact” is advice often expressed, but rarely realised to its full potential. I prefer: “Make relentless eye contact.” Think of your eyes as the floodlights on a watchtower, constantly seeking out the evasive escapes of a jail breaker or dinner date, whether this makes her uncomfortable is dependant entirely on the ‘intention.’ If your gaze is filled with malice or ogling lechery, this is bad eye contact. Whereas if it is a beam of admiration and cordial arousal, then she will soon appreciate just how much you have to give.

With your words

Men will often start a date by complimenting a lady, making her feel special. To maintain this glowing feeling, I cultivate a subtle barrage of adulation, punctuating everything I say with flattery. It’s really after the fifteenth compliment that your creativity comes out. E.g. “Yes, I have a cat myself. You have important hair. He’s called Mr Truffles.” Notice the seamless transition from conversation to compliment, then back to conversation.

With your food

This is perhaps the most important, as ladies need food to survive. When you’re on a dinner date, it’s likely that she will order a dish of salad or leaves that offers little to no nutritional value. To fight the lady’s hunger pains and win points, I will make clear that she can have up to 25% of anything on my plate. So few men make this deal that she will be blown away, and will feel indebted to you. This is where you want her.

Employing all this generosity over the course of an evening is one way to make her feel obligated to you, which can be redeemed for sex dollars*. However, this isn’t a guarantee, so don’t pursue too hard, because that’s just rapey.

*Metaphorical tender

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She starts using your full name

This is less a sign that your relationship is in trouble, but more you are. It’s a method mastered by mothers when they catch your hand in the biscuit tin, or to fast forward twenty-five years, caught watching Babecast. I don’t think women are aware of the disturbingly regressive powers inherent in speaking your full name. It’s particularly embarrassing when the shame of prematurely ejaculating is heightened by your partner’s disapproving cry, “Howard Joseph Bingleton!”

She keeps talking about someone at work

Be concerned if when she relates work anecdotes, the same name keeps coming up. Especially if they are reamed with compliments about “Ben’s physique,” “Ben’s sense of humour,” “Oh, hasn’t Ben got nice hair?” “Why can’t you be more like Ben?” and “I’m leaving you for Ben.” I’m naturally suspicious of anyone called Ben. What a ridiculous name.

She tells you there’s a problem

I would definitely be wary of this one. Nothing says there’s trouble in your relationship than it coming straight from the horse’s mouth. (NB: It is inadvisable during this time to draw comparisons between her mouth and that of a horse.)

When this happens, you need to assess the severity of the problem, and your ability to deal with it. If the problem is, “you never buy me flowers anymore,” then waste no time in defending yourself, and explain how market shortfalls and deteriorating climate conditions have made flower arrangements prohibitively expensive. However, if her problem is that she feels sexually unsatisfied and wants to have sex with other men, then you’re going to have to find a compromise.

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In your friendship with women, there will come a time when they will let you touch them. They are very specific about where, and for how long, but this is contact all the same. Ladies call this Hugging. It is not the petting zoo you might have imagined, but like a zoo, there are strict rules to follow, and cries of sexual harassment if you don’t.

Many people hug, so it’s important to remember that it’s a convention, not a privilege. Accordingly, you shouldn’t view it as a chance to ‘cop a feel’, but instead, behave responsibly, and return the hug without implications.

The First Hug

The first hug is the most exciting and dangerous. It will tell you a lot about the lady, and how they feel about you. It will become a template from which all future hugs will spring. Get it right first time, and you’ll soon be hugging with no clothes on for minutes at a time.

A key rule is to let the lady dictate the pressure; but this is difficult to gauge, as the first hug will only last a moment, so it’s best to play it safe.

The first few hugs will be more a meeting of the shoulders as you lean towards each other instead of any torso-to-torso intimacy. Let your arms rest on them, whilst applying only minimal pressure. I call this The Drape. It is relaxed and non-threatening. Remove your arms as soon as she begins moving away. Keep it simple, and without any excessive flourishes.

Words to describe actions you should avoid:

1. Stroking
2. Caressing
3. Lingering
4. Grinding
5. Tonguing

If you’re worried about your technique, practise on a large cushion. If you can hold the cushion without changing its shape, then you’ve got it right.

Key to knowing if you’re pressing too hard:

1. You feel her breasts flatten against you.
2. She screams.

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